I wrote the following paragraph a couple of weeks after my surgery in February.  Funny thing, I started feeling better so I never posted it.  But today I found out that I’m not getting better.  In fact, I’m worse.  Despite the surgery and the medications, my heart is giving out. Rick and are are still going to Carmel for the summer. When I get back in the Fall I will receive all the necessary tests to prepare me to get on the transplant list. Hopefully I won’t need a new heart for a long time, but cardiomyopathy has a mind of its own. Also, I will have to get a lot worse before I’m eligible. That involves some incredibly unpleasant things that scare the living hell out of me.

So, here’s how I felt in February.  I had a reprieve of not knowing for a few months and I actually enjoyed life with family and friends.  Now I know.  I always said I wanted to know. And now I do. 

“I don’t know when to throw in the towel.  The surgery has not made me better.  I’m exhausted.  I’m winded.  I’m depressed.  Rick and I have been looking at apartments.  We don’t know how much longer I can climb the stairs.  Today I looked into shower seats. Frontgate has a nice teak one.  I haven’t gotten dressed since Monday.  I can’t fit into anything.  I guess I’m still bloated from all the IV fluid.  Rick went into work today which was nice for me because I didn’t have to pretend to be OK.  I’m not OK.  I’m scared. I’m upset. I’m mad.  But tomorrow is another day and who knows, maybe I’ll be better.”