Yesterday I had my annual tests to see how my heart failure is progressing. I won’t get the results for a couple of weeks. Cancer survivors who have annual scans probably understand how I feel. The lead up was bad. The anticipation of the actual tests themselves. These are not invasive tests (I’ve had plenty of those), but they are reminders that all is not well. The worse part of the day was the goo on the back of the EKG pads. I’m allergic or something. They leave round, itchy, red welts. They go away soon enough, but it’s annoying none the less.
One of the tests is a stress test that measures my maximum oxygen usage. You’ve probably seen elite athletes taking this test. It’s sort of creepy, in a Hannibal Lecter kind of way. You wear a mask while walking on a treadmill. The oxygen is recycled and measured. It’s a little claustrophobic. I had dreams of flatlining during this test. I didn’t. Yay. But I did get really out of breath.
Today I am worthless. It took me a couple of hours to decide between a bath and a shower. I didn’t have the energy to take a shower and I was afraid I might drown in the bath tub. I decided on a shower. I survived.
Now I’ve been staring at my meager to do list. I don’t have the will or the energy to get started. I’ve been googling end stage heart failure all day. Preparing for the worst. I did the same thing last year. The end didn’t come then and it probably isn’t here now. It’s just an emotional roller coaster ride that some days seems like a death sentence in and of itself. The dread and worry can be just as crippling.
When I can’t face it, I crawl into bed. I don’t have the focus to read a book. Thank goodness for Netflix. I’m watching the last season of “The Fall.” It’s good, but high creep factor. I like to look at Jamie Dornan. I never saw any of the Shades of Grey movies. No desire to. But he is good. I’m not fond of Gillian Anderson’s whisper voice. But she’s effective in the role.
Thank goodness Rick understand when I have to hide. He has no expectations and he gives me room. I’ll surface soon. Maybe even tomorrow. Until then I’ll binge watch videos and research my demise.