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About shanawalker

In spite of being a health and fitness enthusiast, I have a bum ticker. In no particular order, I have atrial tachycardia, ventricular tachycardia, complete AV block, idiopathic cardiomyopathy resulting in both left ventricle and right ventricle diastolic and sistolic dysfunction. I've recently taken a turn for the worse and the doctors are trying to figure out what to do next. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what if any parts of my heart are working properly. I look much better in person than I do on paper. I've been fighting this battle for a very long time and I'm not ready to give up. Instead of being tight lipped as usual, I have chosen to share this experience with the world. I'm doing a lot of reflection right now and while I have your attention, I thought I would share some of my stories with you.

Second Chances

Do you ever think  about tipping points?  I do. Whatever you call it, the break even point, the point of no return, the inflexion point, the crescendo.  It is the point at which things change course. They stop being one thing and start being another.  It is sometimes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Usually, you only know the tipping point in retrospect.  

I am an active person.  A couch potato would probably still not know she has a heart condition.  My heart works well enough to meet my needs when I am not exerting myself. But because I work out with a trainer three times a week and have for decades, I know the moment that something is off.  When a 10 pound bicep curl becomes suddenly difficult. When I have to lower the speed on the treadmill in order to catch my breath.I can almost guess my heart rate at any given time, just like I can almost guess my weight each day when I get up. I push myself and I pay attention to what my body is telling me.

So, how did something like this blindside me? I’m guessing the cells of my heart have been weakening over time, but the strong cells were able to compensate for the weak ones until they weren’t.  At one specific moment in time one cell made all the difference.  One bad cell replaced one good cell and that was all it took.  The tipping point.

I attended a cooking demonstration the other day.  Chef Pedro showed us how to properly cook scallops.  I’ve cooked scallops and they are tricky.  Very difficult to get just right. Pedro showed us how to brown each side to just the right color until there is only a small white line of uncooked scallop in the middle.  Take them off heat at just that moment and they will continue to cook to perfection on the plate.  That is the tipping point.  But, if you somehow miss that moment of perfection, cook them one whole minute more and they will become edible again.  Not perfect, but edible.  They get a second chance.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  I’m not sure how this relates to my heart or to anything for that matter, but when Pedro talked about this scallop having a second chance, it brought tears to my eyes.


 

Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine

Last week I went to see Dr. Doyle to have my bandage removed and to have the new Mac Daddy checked out. While I was settling in with my Architectural Digest, a black lady in one of those motorized wheelchairs came in by herself.  That’s unusual because people in wheelchairs usually have someone with them, a grown child or a spouse, sometimes a paid caregiver. This lady was alone and I felt sorry for her because in addition to having a bad heart, she couldn’t walk. 

A middle aged man was already there, silently waiting his turn; that is, until the woman in the wheelchair broke all the rules, she spoke. She wheeled over in our direction. I thought she wanted a magazine. Then she asked if either of us had a pacemaker.  In unison, we both said, “why, yes we do.”  

This was uncharted territory.  Never in twelve years have I ever spoken to anyone in the waiting room.  We wait in silence mostly. It’s a somber club of unlucky souls whose hearts have literally gone haywire. Most people who have heart rhythm problems are pretty well educated about them. There are a thousand ways your heart can mess up. No two people have the exact same issues. Most people with pacemakers can recite their diagnoses like a red badge of courage.  I know this not from the waiting room, but from my neighbors and friends, and of course, the Internet.  

The lady in the wheelchair was visiting Dr. Doyle’s office for the first time.  She evidently had not gotten the memo about proper waiting room etiquette. She had ended up in the hospital after passing out.  It had taken several weeks to stabilize her and while in the hospital, she had a pacemaker put in. She had no idea why she needed the pacemaker, she didn’t know her underlying heart problems and she didn’t know how to properly care for herself.  As she told us her story and her concerns, the man and I exchanged worried glances.

The more she talked the more the man and I both knew that she was in big trouble.  She had not read her hospital discharge instructions.  She had not taken her round of antibiotics. She was using her left arm and exerting herself too much. She was afraid her pacemaker was breaking through her skin.  Before you knew it, we were all three pulling our tops open, exposing our scars.  The man’s scar was old and faint, how mine will look in a couple of years. Mine was still bandaged up from the surgery and so was hers.  We assured her that her wound was healing properly and would look like the man’s in no time.

The lady got called in first and the man and I continued to talk. He developed congestive heart failure 18 years ago when he was 47. He used to get so tired at his job as an electrician that he would hide in the bathroom to rest. A cocktail of medication has kept his heart failure at bay, increasing his EF from 20 to in the 40’s.  I said, excuse me, you’ve had congestive heart failure for 18 years. I had no idea you could live that long. He assured me he had. I told him I just got diagnosed with it. We traded war stories. 

I told Dr. Doyle about the waiting room tete a tete.  I told him I wanted the same drugs the man was taking. He said that there was more to the man’s story. Something about heavy drinking, then not drinking…  I didn’t care.  I just focused on 18 years, 18 glorious years. When I asked him about the woman in the wheelchair, he said that some people can’t be bothered to take care of themselves. I had never thought about that before.  About people who don’t follow the rules (Clearly she’s a rule breaker. We’ve established that).  No wonder Dr. Doyle sometimes seems fed up with it all.  He can only do so much.  

Ainsley checked out my new pacemaker and it is working like a champ.  Dr. Doyle made some tweaks to the settings and had me test drive it.  I walked up three flights of stairs in the building and was only mildly winded. I’d say that was a victory.  He thinks my heart might be a little smaller, which is also good news.  He can tell this by feeling under my rib cage. Go figure. Not very scientific, but good enough.

We won’t know anything for sure until I have another echo cardiogram in about six weeks. I am as hopeful as I’ve been since this whole thing started right after Thanksgiving.  I am going to the gym later this afternoon and see what happens on the treadmill. Once my incision heals, I plan on lifting weights and playing golf and doing whatever else I want until my body tells me I can’t.  I might redecorate my living room, go on a diet, volunteer at church, plan a trip, take a class at Rice, call a friend for lunch. Live.  And I have the wheelchair lady and the electrician to thank for that. I’m so glad she didn’t get the memo.  

I Want Candy

How long do you hang on to greeting cards?  Some are so special that you might not ever throw them away?  How about cards from your husband?  How long do you keep them?  You don’t very well open them up, read them, “oh thank you honey” and then toss them in the trash right in front of him.  I think Jerry Seinfeld did an episode on this. I usually leave a card sitting out for a few days as a visual reminder to Rick that it meant something. He probably just chalks it up to my messiness.  I’m not sentimental.  Neither is he. 

The last card I got from my mother before she died was for Easter. When you opened it some animated character sang, “I want candy”.  I love candy.  Mom loved holidays. She sent cards for every occasion: Halloween, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, anniversaries.  She did holidays up right. Decorated the house. Had seasonal food. Bought presents. Wore thematic outfits.  Sent cards. The whole shebang. 

Until I was in my early twenties, I bought a special outfit for Easter. It’s what you did.  It was the start of the Spring season-you can now wear white. We wore new dresses with Easter bonnets and gloves to church on Easter Sunday. And then we’d come home to hunt for Easter eggs.  Mom went all out. None of those plastic Easter eggs with quarters in the middle.  For days before Easter she boiled real eggs and we would dye them with that smelly vinegar based dye. She and Dad hid them all over the yard.  On Easter morning we woke up to tremendous Easter baskets filled with candy, candy, and more candy. The Easter bunny was alive and well at our house.  Mom was an extravagant giver.  It’s how she showed her love.  

So, I had this Easter card that sang “I Want Candy.”  I kept it on the bulletin board in my study and every so often I would open it up and listen to the funny song and look at my mother’s beautiful signature.  I did this for five yeas. Every couple of months, I’d open it up and listen and feel happy. Then one day all it did was click. Click, click, click. I closed the card and reopended it just to be sure. Click, click, click. It was over. It was time. I tossed it.

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TV Worth Watching

We live in a unique era of television.  There is some of the very best and very worst out there for our entertainment. Some of it is pornographic, gruesome, dark, pollution of the soul.  Some of it, on the other hand, is superbly written, challenging, uplifting and dead accurate.  Last week’s episode of Parenthood was spot on.  It portrayed to a tee what it is like living check up to check up.  

For most of the world, probably including extended family, the pronouncement that you are cancer free is the end of it. Hallelujah.  Praise God. All those months of chemo, radiation, surgeries worked.  It’s over.  Close that ugly chapter and start a new one. 

But that’s not the reality.  The show focused on Kristina who is a breast cancer survivor, a mother and a political activist.  A mover and a shaker.  She is the soul of her family as so many women are. She is her husband’s rock. She is what makes the family work.  She has her six month check up.  No biggie.  But it is, and the show brilliantly portrayed all of the emotions and consequences of that.

First of all there is the club you have inadvertently joined and have grown comfortable being part of: the captive audience in the doctor’s waiting room.  You look around at the cast of characters. No body talks.  That’s the unwritten rule.  But you look and you compare and you judge.  At least I do.  That person reeks of smoke, how dare they take up space on this planet.  That person is fifty pounds over weight.  Each person’s self destructive behavior is a personal affront to you because you are doing everything in your power to get well but these slackers deserve to be here. Not you. Then there are the ones in wheel chairs or walkers who have attendants.  They are your future.  They are the enemy.  As you wait for your name to be called you are sizing up the competition. Yes, somehow they are the competition in this cosmic chess game of who lives and who dies. OK, these are my thoughts.  Not Kristina’s.  She is compassionate, she makes friends with her fellow patients. Meets them for lunch. Visits them in the hospital. I can learn from her.

Then there’s the waiting for test results.  Again, the producers of Parenthood knocked it out of the park. Kristina has internalized her anxiety.  It’s her life after all, and she has learned to compartmentalize.  She has a young baby, so she must try to focus on the day at hand.  Adam, however, cannot.  Each tick of the clock is an eternity for him.  He dissects the doctors words.  He said a couple of days, that means two, right.  He watches the clock for 48 hours.  Then he starts holding his breath.  When she finally receives the phone call with the good news, Adam breaks into tears. Hard, sobbing, snotty tears. It was some of the most moving and accurate TV I’ve seen. Rick and I looked at each other with understanding.  Words were not necessary.

But the aspect they really handled insightfully is how illness robs you of your future.  Kristina and Adam want to start a charter school for their autistic son Max.  When she is healthy, Kristina has boundless energy and she is a person who walks the talk.  She not only cares about certain causes, she acts upon them.  Adam initially tried to reign her in.  He didn’t want her to expend her limited energy on things that might cause stress and run the risk of her cancer returning.  It’s just un friggin believable the role stress plays in our lives.  It creates fertile soil for cancer to grow and God knows what else.  But Adam loves Kristina so he chooses to support her activist endeavors.  (She ran for mayor and lost).  But in this episode, he and Kristina are challenged by Max’s English teacher about their long term commitment to running a charter school. To the healthy viewer, it’s as simple as that.  But it’s not about that at all. It’s all about Kristina. Will she be alive that long?  Do they plan their lives beyond the five year survival window?  Do they make long term commitments? Do they have long term goals?  By the end of the show, the answer to this question is “yes.”  Adam and Kristina decide to live their lives as if they are going to live. But the show didn’t leave it at that with some schmaltzy ending. They made it crystal clear that this entire hellacious process will be repeated in another six months and another six months after that.  They won this battle but the war rages on.  

The Garden of Eden

I read about Joe Harris in the Houston Post when there still was a Houston Post.  I preferred the sports writers at the Post. They were more blatantly pro Houston Rockets than the writers at the Chronicle.  I never forgave the Chronicle for surviving.  I subscribed to it for a few years until I realized that our take on sports was not our only difference of opinion.  

Joe Harris was a caddie at Memorial Park.  He lived in Galveston in one of the poor, black neighborhoods.  In addition to the Silk Stocking District and the beaches, Galveston has some serious ghettos.  It was in that world that Joe Harris was shot in the head in a drive by shooting. 

In addition to loving golf, Joe was a painter.  Although I never saw his early paintings, I hear they were beautiful landscapes. The shooting left Joe completely blind. Funny thing, Joe continued to paint. Most blind people lose all memory of sight after eight years. Joe didn’t. That sets him apart. He only paints two things now. The Garden of Eden and golf holes.  He paints on sand paper and uses his fingers to apply the wax based paint.  

When I read his story, I had to have one of his paintings. It hangs in our powder room and it reminds me daily of the power of the human spirit and the wonder of our maker. It’s a lesson I’ve needed a reminder of lately.

Bitch and Ball Buster Part II

I was furious when I opened David’s present under the tree. “Melisse, look and see what is in your package from David.” Yep, two bottles of wine, one “Bitch” the other “Ball Buster.” In case there are any children reading this, I can’t repeat what I said next. Only that Melisse covered her kids’ ears and my mom rolled herself into her bedroom crying. “He said they are really good bottles of wine.” She actually knew about it.  Can you believe that?  David has always been Mom and Dad’s favorite and I had to make a split second decision. Christmas was riding on it.


I followed Mom into her bedroom. I got down on my knees so that I was at eye level with her in her wheel chair. “Mom, I beg you to stop crying and come back into the living room so the little girls can open their presents. It’s all my fault, I know he was just trying to be funny. It’s my fault, I don’t understand his sense of humor.” I wanted to vomit.

She finally stopped crying and wheeled herself back into the living room and we all finished our happy, little, family Christmas. The girls opened their American Girl dolls and assorted paraphernalia. Peace had been restored. Afterwards, Rick and I grabbed our bottles and went back to the Peabody Hotel where we were staying.  In those days I was prone to drowning my sorrows. Well, mom got one thing right, that wine did taste pretty damn good. And that was it.  The final Christmas.  Mom died the next year.






It’s Busterated

Melisse and I were strolling her young daughter down the streets of DC when Evelyn shouted “It’s busterated. Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!”  For the life of me, I can’t remember what got broken.  Some toy, doll, sippy cup.  Who knows.  But it was busted and Evelyn was frustrated and she invented a new word.  Rick and I adopted that word into our lexicon because there was a need for it.

My heart is busterated.  Today is the one week anniversary of my surgery. Try as I might, I just do not know if I feel better, worse or the same.  Probably the same since I can’t tell.  I was waiting to blog about my heart until I had something more definitive.  I was hoping that when I woke up from the anesthesia it would be like having a new pair of glasses.  Ahhhhh.  That’s what the world looks like.  But it hasn’t been like that.

I’m still recovering from the surgery.  It doesn’t get any easier as you age to put your body through that kind of trauma. There’s sleep deprivation, pokes and prods, round the clock invasions, low blood pressure, uncomfortable mattress.  And I can’t even begin to guess the thread count on what they call sheets.  

So, I’m home now listening to my heart.  Gauging my breaths. Driving myself crazy.  I have hosted my own pity party, I have gone down dark roads I had no business being on. But I have not stayed there.  I have taken a shower, I have gotten dressed, Rick has driven me around, we met some friends for dinner, I have a friend coming over today for lunch to give me a refresher course in knitting.  Life goes on. Yes, my heart is busterated, but it is still trying as hard as it can and I must too.


Bitch and Ball Buster Part I

When you grow up and everyone gets married and some have kids and some get divorced, holidays get complicated. Rick and I don’t have kids, so we go with the flow.  My sister, like me, is married. She has kids.  Her husband, Greg, has a sister Cheryl.  Cheryl is married and her husband probably has brothers and sisters, who may or may not be married and/or have kids. I lose count. It’s all a very complicated puzzle with many moving parts.  

We thought we had it all worked out. This is a Sloas year for Thanksgiving in Memphis. That is, until Cheryl decided to adopt a baby. Because of the baptism, Melisse had to switch Thanksgiving and Christmas. She ran it by Mom and Dad, who ran it by me.  Like I said, we’re flexible. I think this was in August.  Cheryl gave us all plenty of time to make adjustments.  The only thing is, no one thought to tell David. I guess Mom and Dad figured Melisse told him and vice versa. Oops.  As it turns out, he had some big plans to go to Las Vegas or something; I forget the details. To say the least, he was pissed.  Melisse and I received a one page all caps email telling us what low life we were.  I don’t exactly know why I was included, but hey, it was always David and “the girls”. We are part of the same collective noun. 

As fate would have it, this was our last Christmas with Mom before she died the following year. She already had had her leg amputated and was getting around in a wheel chair. David decided to boycott Christmas because of the switch and his Vegas trip, and that was OK with me. He can sometimes be a little disruptive, especially when he’s mad. I was somewhat suprised that Melisse and I both had presents from him under the tree. They were wrapped in identical packaging, you know, the collective noun thing. I opened mine first.  There were two bottles of wine, one named “Bitch” and the other one “Ball Buster” and a card that read, “Merry F%@king Christmas.”


Les Miserables

Tomorrow I go in for my surgery.  I’ve been listening to the Les Miserables sound track all day today.  It’s been a good distraction, nothing like some cathartic crying.  Every time I listen to the battle song, it reminds me of my Executive Management program at USC in Newport Beach California.

I’ve been retired from banking way longer than I ever worked.  My life the past twenty years has been about church, volunteering, golf, working out, travel, Rick.  But before that it was all about work.  A couple of years ago I helped out in the local Young Life office.  I was complaining to my friend Kim about something the youngsters were having me do and she said, “do they know who you are.” That made me laugh.  If I ever was somebody, it was a very long time ago.  I can assure you, it made no difference to my Young Life boss, Mike, who had asked me to photo copy the Lamar High School year book. 

Once upon a time, I was a promising young banker at the Bank of Montreal. I was on the fast track, on my way up.  I had already done a stint in London and was being prepped to take over the Houston office.  Each year BMO sent one of its up and comers to the University of Southern California Executive Management Program.  I was fortunate enough to go in 1995.  There were about 30 people from all over the world in my class.  There were five or six AT&T people, several naval officers, one US Congressman, a guy from South Africa, a guy from the Philippines, a lady from China, some other people I don’t remember, and me.

In a lot of ways it was your typical corporate training program.  We had fabulous speakers, case studies and the required bonding/group dynamic exercise. I’ve done lots of these types of things and this one was unique.  We were divided into three groups and each group had to sing and choreograph the battle song from Les Miserable. Believe me, I would rather have done a ropes course. Fortunately, my team had the Filipino (they love karaoke) and we had a secret weapon: the US Congressman, who was no other than Gopher from The Love Boat, Fred Gandy.  Those Hollywood types are so multi talented. The hardest part for me was memorizing the lyrics in the allotted time.  We came up with some lame dance moves and I lip synced the song while everyone else sang. It was nerve wracking and exhilarating at the same time. Somewhere in my closet I have a VHS tape of the performance. Can you hear the people sing…….

"I Was Born Horny"

When I was in tenth grade I dated a boy named Jim.  We had a mutual friend named Lane.  We all had houses at Pickwick Lake and one weekend they came over to my house to ski.  

Jim showed up at Lane’s with a T shirt that said, “I Was Born Horny”. Lane suggested to Jim that he at least turn his shirt inside out before coming to my house to meet my dad, but he didn’t see the need. I’m not sure Dad noticed the shirt or if he did, he didn’t say anything.  Dad had a sophomoric sense of humor, so he may have thought it was funny.

Jim, Lane and I took our ski boat out for the day.  Pickwick Lake was formed when the Tennessee Valley Authority damned the Tennessee River in the 1930’s.  It has a lot of old tree stumps in various parts and can be tricky to navigate.  Lane drove while I skied and we hit one of those stumps, knocking a hole in the boat. We somehow made it back home to our dock. Lane was worried about telling his father, Big Ben, what had happened.  We called him Big Ben, but not to his face. My Dad assured him that it would be okay. It could happen to anyone and he offered to go over to Lane’s house to talk to his father and smooth things over.

We piled into our cars and headed over to the Carrick’s. When Mr. Carrick saw all of us, he assumed the worst. He was not happy with my dad for running interference for Lane until he realized that it was our boat, not his, that had the hole in it.  Things got tense for a moment, but once the details were cleared up and Lane was safe, we went home.

I ran into Lane at our 35th high school reunion and we reminisced about that day. Afterwards, when I got back home, I told Dad about seeing Lane. Without missing a beat, he said, “you remember that time his dad jumped down my throat when Lane knocked a hole in our boat.  It really could have happened to anyone.”

And that’s the way my Dad was. He didn’t sweat the small stuff and it was all small stuff.