It came to me this morning. The new blog title. I was outside on the deck reading Jesus Calling and saying my prayers.  I looked around and noticed all the empty spaces that were filled with flowers last year.  Gabriel planted a lot of flowers before we got here.  But last year I went crazy. I added to what the gardeners had beautifully prepared for our arrival. I must have gone to Grigg’s Nursery a half dozen times. There were pots of flowers in every nook and cranny. 

We’re going to be here another two months. There’s still plenty of time to plant some more flowers. But I’m just not interested. What Gabriel planted is good enough.  It’d be a little extravagant, don’t you think? Planting and watering all of those flowers that will be enjoyed for such a short period of time.  After all, I don’t live here year round. I’m just spending the summer, just passing through.  

Then the tears started.  They start so easily.  Last night Rick and I went to see The Chef.  No, I didn’t cry during that movie.  It’s pretty funny, actually.  But I did cry during two of the trailers.  Four minute clips and I was boohooing. Anything can make me cry these days, but it’s usually something that reminds me that I’m on the clock. I was crying out there on the deck, reading my Bible study and looking at the flowers that weren’t there, because I realized that it’s all for a season.  It doesn’t last.

Since I’ve been diagnosed, one of the stupidest things anyone has said to me, I suppose in an attempt to cheer me up, is that everybody is going to die. That’s some crazy shit, huh?  People are so uncomfortable around terminally ill people.  Especially people who look healthy. It makes them nervous. They say crazy things. They can’t help it. It’s okay. 

But what I think my friend was trying to say is that we’re all terminal.  We’re all just passing through this life on our way to our heavenly home.  Those of us with bad diseases just happen to be a little more aware of it. I don’t know how long I  have.  I don’t know if I’ll get a new heart or if this one will last years.  I don’t know how long I’ll continue to feel good.  I don’t know anything.

So what do I do with the not knowing?  What do I do while I wait for the unknown to become known?  The way I see it, I have two options.

Like Andy said in the Shawshank Redemption, you either “get busy living or get busy dying”. I choose living. I will enjoy God’s creation and the many wonders of being alive for as long as I can. Granted, some days I’ll have more energy than other days. But I won’t compare my todays with my yesterdays.   I will use whatever energy I have, lots or little, to explore the loveliness that life has to offer.  I will experience the highs and the lows. And there will be lows. I will share people’s joys and their pain and I will continue to cry.  I will cry because I’m scared and I’ll cry because I don’t want it to end.

But it does end.  For all of us. Some day. We just don’t know when.  It’s not forever.  It never was. We’re all just passing through.